The Sacred States of Pyrote News

In my POSC 230 class, International Relations, we did a simulation regarding the international “scene”. The class was split up into seven different “countries” – Holy Zott, Spartonia, Pyrote, Crock, Libertania, Zamboni, and Bampff. These countries together made up Lostralia. My country was The Sacred States of Pyrote, a nation comprised of three states unified by their great religious leader and prophet Bolivar. My job in the group was as the bookkeeper and the writer of the news. All in all, I had fun with it, but I had to get accustomed to it. The first article was all too serious and heavy-handed, but then later in the simulation, as I got comfortable with how everyone was doing the news, I started having fun, taking jabs at all of the Republicans in office at the time of the simulation.

Please note that what was written for the news pertains to the simulation, and some is for the fulfillment of “secrets” that we were given beforehand. The opinions and statements reflected here do not reflect the personal opinions of the author (i.e. me) or the other group members.

The first news was written before the simulation actually started. As such, I wasn’t all that comfortable with it yet, and my uncomfortableness kinda shows. No names – everyone is a “high-ranking Pyrotian official”. It came off kind of heavy-handed, but it works…

The Sacred States of Pyrote NewsThe Sacred States of Pyrote News

Greetings, disciples of Bolivar…

The leaders of the nation of Pyrote issued a statement denouncing the atheism of Libertania early this morning. “We as Pyrotians find that the atheism of the Libertanian citizens to be immoral and unethical. Those persons who do not submit to a discipleship of Bolivar will certainly be condemned to a fiery eternity at the gates of hell!” stated a high-ranking Pyrotian official.

The denouncement continued, with another high-ranking official stating, “Women cannot function as leaders! The Libertanians state that men are free and equal to women, but is that really true? Why do they only encourage WOMEN to escape servitude?”

In other news, the nation of Pyrote is mourning the deaths of forty-five Pyrotians who were killed on the Holy Bridge, in an attempt to stop the mining on Gilligan’s Island. According to a high-ranking Pyrotian leader, “We are dispatching the full resources of our government to hunt down and punish those who murdered these forty-five disciples of Bolivar. Make no mistake – The Sacred States of Pyrote will find them, and they will pay.”

In the second issue, I had a lot more fun. After hearing the other groups’ articles, we put some domestic stuff in the news, and the fun began. I also came up with a title for the “High-ranking officials” from last time: Grand Poobah. You may remember that title from the Flintstones, where the leader of the Water Buffalo Lodge was called the Grand Poobah. I only picked on the Republicans a little in this one, but I still had fun. Too much fun? You be the judge.

The Sacred States of Pyrote NewsThe Sacred States of Pyrote News

Greetings, disciples of Bolivar…

Life is returning to normal in Pyrote once again. A bingo tournament and potluck dinner is scheduled to be held in the ballroom of the capitol building this Friday at 7:00 PM, according to Shadoe Sartoph, the Grand Poobah of the First Bolivarian Church of Pyrote. According to Sartoph, regarding moving the bingo and potluck from the church to the capitol, “We’ve had an excellent response to our bingo tournament potluck dinners, and we are pleased that the facilities staff at the capitol has graciously donated their space to us, allowing us to expand and continue to better serve our community through these events. We have highly generous prizes for all of our first place winners.”

Not to be outdone, the Second Church of Pyrote is holding their second annual Tetris tournament at the Second Bolivarian Church building this Thursday at 8:00 PM. Several versions of Tetris will be available for play and competition, including Super Tetris, Tetris for Windows, and the ever-controversial WordTris. “We have prizes galore for our first-place winners,” according to Sonny Mavica, Second Church’s Grand Poobah. However, Poobah Mavica also made sure to note, “Since second comes right after first, it doesn’t make second a necessarily bad thing. As such, we will be awarding even larger prizes to our second-place winners.”

In other news, radical citizens of Bampff were found responsible for the tragic deaths of forty-five Pyrotians on the Holy Bridge. According to Colin Pummel, the Grand Poobah of State, “The Sacred States of Pyrote is pleased to have come to a peaceful resolution with the Bampff Autocracy. We have recognized the official apology from the government of Bampff, and we have also recognized that the government of Bampff is not supportive of the radicals who committed these acts against our citizenry.” Poobah Pummel then continued by praising the fine design work shown on the official letterhead that Bampff sent their apology on, as well as the quality of the paper stock it was printed on.

For the third edition, the group encouraged me to give the newspaper itself a bit of a visual revamping. Make it decorative. Don’t just write the articles down. So I did something simple, but it still worked out. New this time was the weather and the lottery. Our professor’s comment regarding the weather was that our prayers were not answered.

The Sacred States of Pyrote NewsThe Sacred States of Pyrote News

Pyrote Seals the Deal With Crock

The Sacred States of Pyrote finally ratified a treaty with the Crockites this week on issues regarding the environment. In signing onto this treaty, Pyrote agrees to reduce the amount of pollutants put out in the Vastland. “I for one think this is a step in the right direction,” stated John Hancock, Grand Poobah of the Environment. “In reducing the amount of pollutants we put off into the Vastland, the better likelihood that we have of our children’s children inheriting a more pristine landscape like we have today.”

In other news, the Grand Poobah of Justice, John Ashtray, has announced the beginning of litigation towards Bampff. According to Ashtray, “We are not looking to punish anyone through this litigation. All we are interested in doing is bringing this whole thing to a definite end.”

Additionally, Claiborne Bell, Grand Poobah of Religion, announced that Pyrote is seeking to forge new and better religious relations with Holy Zott. “Holy Zott and Pyrote could each benefit greatly from improved relations in the area of religion. What the underworld, if we can improve our relations with Holy Zott, only Bolivar knows what might happen next!”

On a sadder note, due to technical difficulties at the printers, the intended debut of a new line of Pyrote apparel has been delayed. According to Ronald McDonald, director of marketing at CoffeePress, “For some reason, our printers seem to have stopped working! Not only won’t it print the images, but now they won’t even turn on! Something is seriously wrong here at CoffeePress.”

Weather: Pyrote is praying to its maker for the weather to be partly sunny with a 20% chance of rain.

Lottery: Bolivar 6 – 13 24 55 42 04 99, Bolivar 4 – 02 32 44 25, Bolivar 3 – 05 04 02

The last news out of Pyrote was perhaps the best of all, as I really went to town on it, knowing it was the last day of the simulation, complete with pictures, sponsors, and products. It ended up being a fitting start to a day that really had a party atmosphere, with Spartonia having a “great feast” and bringing donuts and chips for everyone, as well as the suspense in the air of whether Libertania would meet the demands to bring the daughter of Libertanian President Patrice Wade back to safety, or bring about her execution.

The Sacred States of Pyrote NewsThe Sacred States of Pyrote News

Pyrote Prevails in Court

But first, a word from our sponsor… (click it!)


The Sacred States of Pyrote was successful in its suit against the nation of Bampff, as the World Council ruled in favor of Pyrote. According to Grand Poobah of Justice John Ashtray, “We are glad that the World Council decided in our favor. We are incredibly pleased that this issue has at last finally been put to rest, so that the victims’ souls may rest in peace.

In other news, the dispute with Spartonia regarding Land B was resolved amicably through factor trading. Grand Poobah of the Interior Elmwood H. Groves stated in a press conference yesterday, “The Poobahship of the Interior is pleased that we have become All Together One with Spartonia in the resolution of this land conflict. This helps us bring the Sacred States of Pyrote, the country dedicated to the prophet Bolivar, more in line with Bolivar the individual. As such, we are have created a new logo for the formerly disputed area that incorporates Bolivar’s head in the logo, and are placing purple signs with this new logo on it all over the territory.” A copy of this new logo is reproduced here:

The Sacred States of Pyrote

In sports, Pyrote has joined Zamboni’s croquet league, with the team Tremonkey’s All-Stars. The All-Stars are top-ranked in the croquet circuit in Pyrote, and are interested in joining the league to see how they contend against other nations’ teams. Tremonkey’s All-Stars Grand Poobah and Head Coach Bobby Daylight stated, “I’ve trained these little (expletive deleted) until they were unable to stand, and after that I threw chairs at the (expletive deleted) and anything else that I could throw at the little pieces of (expletive deleted).”

Weather: Pyrote is praying to its maker for the weather to be cold, with a high of 20 degrees Fahrenheit, and a Winter Storm Warning for tonight.

Now On Sale at Py-Mart:

I heart Pyrote

Yes, that is a thong right there, yes, that is Mr. Rogers in that logo (a parody of JMU’s logo), and we really did play the Hi-HO song for the class. On the last day of the simulation, the daughter of Libertanian President Patrice Wade was indeed executed, and by the end of class, the Bampff Autocracy was no more, as all of the other countries except Crock defeated Bampff in a war.

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